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She says she's a genius in our midst

By JOHN LORSON Columist Published: January 21, 2017 5:00 AM
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"I am so sorry," snarked my daughter, Charlotte. "There just no way. Not. True."

"Yah? Well you should be more sorry because there is a way," retorted my wife, Kristin. "It's called fact, and I have witnesses!"

It was like walking into a swarm of gnats. I was doing my best to swat my way quickly through the growing cloud of back-and-forth as I made my way through the kitchen when someone grabbed me by the shirtsleeve.

"Tell your daughter that I am a genius," growled my wife with brow furrowing. "Tell her!"

"OK, Charlotte, your mother is a genius," I said. "Can I please be excused now?" I ducked my head and strained toward the door.

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"Wait, wait, wait!" Charlotte said poking a finger in my chest. "I need to know more. MUCH more!"

"Well, as the legend goes, when your mom was around 9 or 10 years old she fell through the barn floor and landed on her head," I said.

"See, just like I told you," Kristin interjected. "Go on, tell her the rest."

"Anyhow, in a fit of worry, and convinced that her precious baby had mushed her melon beyond repair, Grandma Jackie had her sit for an IQ test to gain a full and proper assessment of the damage." I continued.

Kristin nodded vigorously. "See, Charlotte, Boom! I told you so!"

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"Wait, wait, wait," Charlotte said. "All you said was that she took the test. You never said how she actually did!"

"Good catch, daughter," I continued. "This is where we fall back on hearsay, because I quite often hear your mom say she's a genius but I have never, myself, examined the test results."

"JOHN LORSON!" Kristin screamed. "You know the truth! And my own mother has backed me up on this. The test said I was a bona fide genius! Tell the truth."

"All right, all right," I said. "I have been told by sources as trustworthy and reliable as my own mother-in-law that her daughter is a straight-up genius. Can I please go now?"

With that I wrangled my shirtsleeve out of Kristin's grip and squirted out of the kitchen. I clearly wanted no part in whatever had precipitated this conversation in the first place. If the two of them were locked in battle I'd be doggone if I was going to play referee. Taken together they constitute the most stubborn pair of women on the planet, and even if I could safely side with one, I'd still end up being mule-kicked by the other. This was a no-win situation for me, so my intent was to not even play the game. I ran for the basement to hide out

(Please come back next week for the exciting conclusion of "A Genius In Our Midst!" And don't forget to check out John's weekly podcast "Out There In It" on TheVoiceOf HolmesCounty.com)


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